Recap

Well this year was a doozy, started by leaving my job, getting my life upside down, moving to a new city, regretting life choices, getting new friends and hoobys and trying to mature in the midst of a urban jungle.

If someone would have told me my future last year I would say they were full of bullshit, that I was good where I was and that if something was gonna change it was only my job, but fate likes to play with people and make the most unpredictable things come true.

In my time in Lisbon I have come to like some people and make others hate me with a passion but I have always taken a lesson from each of the experiences I came across and at the end of the day I guess that's what really matters.

I have found new passions, forsaken older ones and reinvented myself both physically and mentally, physical by bulking up about 10 kilos of mostly muscle and recently gaining a pair of them due to the feasts of this time of year and mentally by realizing that I must accept that some people will simply not like me and that I only should be myself and stop giving a fuck about everyone and everything, leave my efforts to those who return those efforts instead of just sucking up to people who only are gonna take those things for granted.

It has been a crazy storm of a year and the next doesn't seem less revolutionary but all I need to do is face one thing at a time and try to not forsake who I am along the way.

The path of the brave is full of obstacles.

The path of self improvement

The past few months have been busy but with a new challenge in life of basically deciding what the hell I'm gonna do now.

I got to the point where I don't have any ends goals or larger than life objectives, I am just drifting day by day, trying to survive and I don't want that. Because of that I have been self improving these pasts months, mostly mentally and physically.

But despise this deadlock I feel like I freed from many chains that I was carrying from the past, I have been working releasing myself from them but some are just too heavy to let go that simply.

I spent a week vacation in the starting position where everything seems simpler and brighter but everyplace is just a reminder of the chains I am trying to be set free of.

I fear I might not see my home city the same way again, the burden of living here again might be too much for me to handle and the world is so vast that I feel like just going around it and see what this world has to offer out of the borders I have been in all my life, I gave myself a few months to get myself in a stable position and decide what to do or where to go next.

I already have good things going on in Lisbon but I am not connected to the city, I am connected to the people who live there, both from the past or those who I just met recently.

I still didn't forget my promise to make it all better, and that person knows what I am talking about but I also know that person can make it so I don't lay my eyes on her for the rest of my life and I understand that. I am just preparing myself for the possibility of someday having a chance to fulfill that promise.

Like a master said to me: the path of self improvement is like walking a foggy road and every step you take the fog dissipates further and when the fog disappears you see that the road never ends. That's the never ending path of self improvement.

And with that mindset I walk on, not knowing what awaits me in the turns of the road, but determined to face whatever comes head on with everything I got.

Dreams that cannot happen

Last night I had a scary dream about her, one where I saw her in lying down in the grass of a park and when she saw me just got up and walked away fast.

I tried to pursue her just to talk to her and when I got in front of her begging to talk she just said I have nothing to talk to you and got in a car and drove away leaving me in the middle of the road soul crushed.

I can't let happen in real life, I don't what I am gonna do if this happens but I must do something different. To stop fighting now would be one regret I couldn't shake off.

I will keep fighting

I will never give up on this fight.

This is a phrase to the person who thinks I am the weak person I used to be, the one who preferred to ignore the elephant in the room, this phrase is a promise!

Defying the state of things

I am tired of just accepting things as they are and suffer because of it, this weekend I found a photo in my home town that made my heart skip a beat and in that crushing feeling I realised something.

I can't be happy how things are, I know things will never be the same but things could be so much better now, not having someone that important in my life is crushing.

I know I screwed up, I wish I could go back in time and bitch slap myself before doing some things, but now I can only fight to prove I am not a boy anymore because living with fear until now brought me only misery, I will try to correct the wrongs I made and finally make up things to someone who didn't deserve what I have done to her.

Living with fear is not living, just surviving.

Silver Lining

Another song I can't stop listening to:

Original version, still rocks:

Patience

Some things must be done but there's always a right time for it.

I will just have to put up with not sleeping well and having no peace of mind and heart for a few more days.

I will not give up until I feel my life seems right and I can live with myself.

All in

I never wanted this to get to this point, if someone told me my life would be has it's right now I wouldn't believe it.

The regrets and barriers never been so high, so high I can't see how I can get over, it's too long to go around, it's to deep to go under, so I only have two choices right now. Be the boy who I was until now and run away from that barrier or be the man I know I can be and smash trough it.

That's why I train every single day now, I feel my body reaching it's limits but I have to keep going, I need to discipline myself to finally become a man.

I need to prepare myself for that moment, that second chance, that might never arrive and if never arrives it's just fate telling me that actions have consequences and that I need to be stronger to never loose it all again.

I have always been weak and just OK with it but no more! I will risk my body mentally and physically just to have the smallest of chances of having a second chance at life, correct the bad things I done and perhaps understand the right path other than this dark one I am walking.

I know the odds are greatly against me of even having the chance to correct my past mistakes but not fighting for it and ignoring it never got me nothing, only a bubble to make myself feel better and feed this illusion that everything is alright.

It's all or nothing right now and I don't have anything left to loose.

Hope

Can't stop listening to this music on repeat and thinking how things could be better, hope is the only thing left for me and the only thing that will keep me fighting for a better tomorrow. 

Nothing is worse than wanting to fight for something that matters but never get the chance to do so.

Expanding horizons

It feels nice when you find a group of person who can teach you so much about a world you are just beginning to know.

And sometimes it feels like a family where everyone looks for each other and that feels nice when you are away from your real one.

Photo taken on the celebratory training of the birthday of master tokitsu, founder of tokitsu-ryu and our style grand master.

Crossroad

I feel like I am stuck in a crossroad, not knowing the best way to improve myself to be the person I know I can be.

Better, stronger and someone I can be happy with.

I can see the paths given to me clearly, now it's up to me to decide the best path.

Whatever happens I won't give up on my morals because nothing is worth losing yourself.

For now I want to follow the warrior path that my dojo offers and follow those principles and morals that speak so much to me.

I just feel sooner or later fate will test me and I want to be up to the challenge whatever it may be.

I don't want to loose something valuable again just because I was weak.

Recurring cicle

Why does my subconscious need to make things harder for me...

It isn't hard enough trying to forget her but when I think she is a little bit out of my mind my subconscious remembers to give me dreams of her, dreams of better times or of how things could be...

I only hope this stops, somedays I feel like my hearth is going to tear apart.