Recap

Well this year was a doozy, started by leaving my job, getting my life upside down, moving to a new city, regretting life choices, getting new friends and hoobys and trying to mature in the midst of a urban jungle.

If someone would have told me my future last year I would say they were full of bullshit, that I was good where I was and that if something was gonna change it was only my job, but fate likes to play with people and make the most unpredictable things come true.

In my time in Lisbon I have come to like some people and make others hate me with a passion but I have always taken a lesson from each of the experiences I came across and at the end of the day I guess that's what really matters.

I have found new passions, forsaken older ones and reinvented myself both physically and mentally, physical by bulking up about 10 kilos of mostly muscle and recently gaining a pair of them due to the feasts of this time of year and mentally by realizing that I must accept that some people will simply not like me and that I only should be myself and stop giving a fuck about everyone and everything, leave my efforts to those who return those efforts instead of just sucking up to people who only are gonna take those things for granted.

It has been a crazy storm of a year and the next doesn't seem less revolutionary but all I need to do is face one thing at a time and try to not forsake who I am along the way.

The path of the brave is full of obstacles.

The path of self improvement

The past few months have been busy but with a new challenge in life of basically deciding what the hell I'm gonna do now.

I got to the point where I don't have any ends goals or larger than life objectives, I am just drifting day by day, trying to survive and I don't want that. Because of that I have been self improving these pasts months, mostly mentally and physically.

But despise this deadlock I feel like I freed from many chains that I was carrying from the past, I have been working releasing myself from them but some are just too heavy to let go that simply.

I spent a week vacation in the starting position where everything seems simpler and brighter but everyplace is just a reminder of the chains I am trying to be set free of.

I fear I might not see my home city the same way again, the burden of living here again might be too much for me to handle and the world is so vast that I feel like just going around it and see what this world has to offer out of the borders I have been in all my life, I gave myself a few months to get myself in a stable position and decide what to do or where to go next.

I already have good things going on in Lisbon but I am not connected to the city, I am connected to the people who live there, both from the past or those who I just met recently.

I still didn't forget my promise to make it all better, and that person knows what I am talking about but I also know that person can make it so I don't lay my eyes on her for the rest of my life and I understand that. I am just preparing myself for the possibility of someday having a chance to fulfill that promise.

Like a master said to me: the path of self improvement is like walking a foggy road and every step you take the fog dissipates further and when the fog disappears you see that the road never ends. That's the never ending path of self improvement.

And with that mindset I walk on, not knowing what awaits me in the turns of the road, but determined to face whatever comes head on with everything I got.

Dreams that cannot happen

Last night I had a scary dream about her, one where I saw her in lying down in the grass of a park and when she saw me just got up and walked away fast.

I tried to pursue her just to talk to her and when I got in front of her begging to talk she just said I have nothing to talk to you and got in a car and drove away leaving me in the middle of the road soul crushed.

I can't let happen in real life, I don't what I am gonna do if this happens but I must do something different. To stop fighting now would be one regret I couldn't shake off.

I will keep fighting

I will never give up on this fight.

This is a phrase to the person who thinks I am the weak person I used to be, the one who preferred to ignore the elephant in the room, this phrase is a promise!

Defying the state of things

I am tired of just accepting things as they are and suffer because of it, this weekend I found a photo in my home town that made my heart skip a beat and in that crushing feeling I realised something.

I can't be happy how things are, I know things will never be the same but things could be so much better now, not having someone that important in my life is crushing.

I know I screwed up, I wish I could go back in time and bitch slap myself before doing some things, but now I can only fight to prove I am not a boy anymore because living with fear until now brought me only misery, I will try to correct the wrongs I made and finally make up things to someone who didn't deserve what I have done to her.

Living with fear is not living, just surviving.

Silver Lining

Another song I can't stop listening to:

Original version, still rocks:

Patience

Some things must be done but there's always a right time for it.

I will just have to put up with not sleeping well and having no peace of mind and heart for a few more days.

I will not give up until I feel my life seems right and I can live with myself.