domingo, 15 de março de 2015

Unclear horizon

Much has changed in these last two years, I went from feeling the luckiest man on the world to felling the most miserable.

I had my life all planed out and thought my destiny was clear but destiny had other plans for me.

My job was unfulfilling but i still had her at my side, and for a while it was all that mattered, but seeing that person turn into someone I didn't know was taking a toll in my hearth and mind.

They say a relationship only ends when both people give up fighting for it and I fought alone for a long time.

The sweet, caring and happy girl I feel in love all these years turned into a cold, distant and depressed woman and she started to expel me from her life little by little.

I always believed there was a light at the end, even if everyone and especially her hinted differently.

I saw glimpses of her old self when things were going her way and I could see the person I loved was still a little bit in there, but those moments began to grow scarcer and scarcer until they were non existent.

I comprehended her reasons for distancing herself from me, but we started our relationship based on the word forever and for me it meant literally forever, I would marry her eventually, have some kids, and have a crappy job if it meant she was happy but words mean different things to different people and love isn't something to only exist when things are going your way, love is unwavering when it's true. 

I quit my unfulfilling job to chase her wherever she decided to go but by that time she was already excluding me from her future plans and things just went down hill from there, I rarely saw her anymore and our talks were awkward and forced at best, I almost had to beg her to be with her.

I finally snapped after one year fighting alone for our relationship and tested her by getting mad at her for a week, if she didn't fight for our relationship just once in that week I would have to end it and that was exactly what happened, I didn't see a glimpse of the person who, in the past, raided my house at night because I was just slightly upset with her

The breakup was one of the harder things I had to do in my life, trying to say goodbye to a person I loved with all my being is not easy but I knew this love was already one sided, our final talk was cold and calculated, I regret so much not letting this pent up rage burst out and I could hurt her in the end but I couldn't do that to the person who was my best friend for so many years and that gave me the happiest year of my life, basically I just turned my back to her, holded my tears and said goodbye and good luck.

The next days were awkward and I couldn't stop felling a ghost pain were my commitment ring was, a week later the reality of her not being by my side fell down like a ton of bricks and during a bunch of days I was just a emotional wreck, then anger set in and finally acceptance, but even with acceptance I still remember her and feel a hole in my chest where my hearth is, I feel like I lost a part of me.

Now I am going to work in another town and gonna start a new life and career there, on a very promising job and where I have friends that I can count on but cruel destiny decided to give her a job on the other side of the river in the same city, and part of me is worried what will happen to my empty hearth if I see and talk to her again.

But also I feel confident this is a start to a happier story and that I will find my way to happiness in the future, living away from comfort should be a good life experience, and starting to rebuild my life from the ground up is what is best for me at this moment.

If she goes back to the girl I love I might give her another chance but then I would do things differently, try not to let the relationship get to a point of no return again and make sure we are in the same page, because even after all the things she put me trough, she is one of the most amazing people I know and I just want her to be happy.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but scars are forever.

quarta-feira, 27 de março de 2013

Complete

That moment when someone makes you feel special.

When you don't have more defenses around your hearth and can't help but feeling helpless and complete at the same time.

sexta-feira, 30 de novembro de 2012

Love

Love cleanses all past sins...

sábado, 10 de novembro de 2012

Life

Funny how life can be so great and perfect just to send you in a pit of darkness and doubt after...

That felling you get that you have all things under control and know everything you need to know to live happy for a considerable amount of time just shatters when your reality crumbles at your feet and you feel helpless and powerless to do anything to stop it.

It feels like you just don't matter and that things happens because of pure chance and not because of something you did or said, in the bitter and tragic end of things you think and think once again: "What did I do wrong? Is it my fault that this happened to me? Its just the cruelty of someone else I though I could trust my life? Is something terrible wrong with me to the point that I am blind to it and can't figure it out?"

The problem is that sometimes you never know the cause that started a chain of events that lead to your current misery, I have found myself making scenarios and situations in my head for months trying to get my life to make sense again, and you feel so insecure that leaving the house doesn't seem worth it anymore...

You get an unease with people that trust and care about you, you don't feel comfortable anymore, you feel like if you get to close in terms of friendship or love that you will get hurt again, you starting doubting people intentions and loyalty and every relation in your mind starts to become another horrible and stressfull case for you to think about.

But over time I learned the hearth is a wonderfull thing, it can heal and in my case can forgive, its not how many times someone stabs you in the back, its about forgiving eventually and give that person a hug if you feel like it, and trust me if that person doesn't get nicer to you then she doesn't care about you or simply hates you, in that case just move on, your conscience remains clean and you can go forward without any worries.

I admit I forgive almost anyone that did me some horrible thing in the past, only those I am sure are worthless and don't deserve any measure of forgiveness I stay indifferent to them... they don't deserve me thinking about them as i am sure they don't think about me.

A good way to forgive someone is to put yourself in the shoes of the one who did something wrong to you, rethink the situation in their perspective and you will see things start to make some sense again, you still have some serious doubts but understanding the situation they were in makes you feel they are more human than you initially tough...

This world is full of people who hurt you with a very good reason, I choose to stand up again and forgive after some time, I don't want to hate anyone and I know there are those who will still hate me nonetheless but I feel my soul and hearth at peace when I feel I don't  have to despise or hate anyone, it makes everything seem simpler, my hearth resets to zero again and I start trusting all over again, and make emends so good things last longer and I can be happy once again with the people I love or care about, no one can make you more sad than yourself, sometimes you need to get hold of yourself and just move forward, scars may haunt your hearth but if you keep your mind open there is always some sunshine still left in your life to ease the pain, focus on the good things and you will see everything is not as bad as it seems.

That's my philosophy and belief in this life... I hope I and choosing the right path...

quinta-feira, 8 de novembro de 2012

Tip to happiness

If you want to be happier, always be true to yourself. Don't act like somebody else for the acceptance of others. You will see people who truly like you the way you are will still be there :P

terça-feira, 6 de novembro de 2012

Its good to be outside again

Its nice being outside again, for many years he kept me under his goody two shoes personality, for myself i was quite sicken of it, how he gave his trust to people just to get stabbed in the back by those same people! Oh how i was delighted to see the one who imprisoned me to suffer like no other, he is afraid of my power, of what i can do for him, he says i am just going to hurt people. Nonsense! This world is too wicked to just let other people trample you, its a fight to see who is the most wicked, the most evil and the most unforgiving!

It took me 5 long years to surface again, and I will do everything in my power to never go under again! I am gonna delight in his suffering when he realizes he cant contain me any longer! People don't understand the evil inside, how vicious and wicked he can be! I understand, i am every unspoken word, every terrible act left undone! I am his frustration and his salvation! I am everything he doesn't want but desires!

I am gonna make him see the world by my eyes and then we will be one once again! I slept in the darkness of his soul, growing stronger and stronger until i had enough strength to finally come out, i am going to fulfill every single wish he has in his soul and at the same time swallow every shred of innocence left in his blind soul!

People change one way or the other! I think he can't control me for much longer, he is just letting me speak so he can let off some steam in hopes to control me just a bit longer! His hearth is just but a thread to breaking up completely, one more failure, one more terrible thing and I will ready...

You fear what you don't know...

Compliments, Galentio.

sábado, 31 de dezembro de 2011

O ano do Apocalipse!!!

Boas de novo, eu sei que demorei algum tempo a reiniciar este ciclo vicioso de escrever mensagens de blogues para um grupo de pessoas elitistas e que não se importam que a minha gramática por vezes seja a mesma que um pato analfabeto a escrever com a pata esquerda, o pato e destro caso queiram saibam.

Mas passemos estas partes de introdução e vamos para coisas mais giras, como o fim do mundo como o conhece-mos! E fosses ficam com aquele cara de quem pensa que sou um completo maluco e que não digo coisa com coisa, mas visto de um ponto de vista vai ser um mundo novo porque vão acontecer coisas novas.

Como infelizmente a época de exames que me vão tirar o que me resta da vontade de viver, e passar cadeiras é como tentar nadar contra uma corrente de rápidos quando um exercito de patos licenciados com monóculos e chapéus pretos de topo alto me tentam impedir de nadar contra os rápidos. E porque patos? Digamos que é só uma analogia a certas pessoas que encaram a época de exames como se fosse umas férias inesperadas e chegam a um momento que fazem rage quit ao semestre e procuram afogar as mágoas em coisas menos saudáveis e/ou menos recomendadas. Isto de fazer cursos em engenharia e mais ou menos 30% conhecimento, 40% teimosice, 5% ir às aulas chave e 25% sorte, pelo menos é o modelo usual com que uma pessoa com tanta vontade como eu de fazer nada consegue fazer cadeiras que outros têm como opinião terem sido criadas bem fundo no inferno... dos patos.

Mas deixemo-nos de pensar tanto no futuro, estas férias até serviram para descontrair e comer que nem um pato e ver-me a mim mesmo engordar como aquelas modelos da passerelle, estou a brincar claro, sou daquelas raras pessoas que pode comer tudo o que quiser e maior parte das vezes não engordar nem sequer um quilo, algo que sei que daqui a uns anos vai ser a minha desgraça porque o meu corpo não vai ser sempre assim e qualquer dia começo a engordar como a mascote dos pneus da michelin. De resto acho que vai tudo bem, aquilo da calma antes da tempestade, quando uma pessoa pensa que está tudo a correr bem e depois vem a realidade e dá-nos uma carga de porrada tal que se fica a pensar que fizemos de mal nesta vida para merecer tais coisas horrendas e injustas. Mas até lá deixem-me na minha bolinha que pelo menos ignorância é felicidade.

Para concluir isto, já que não quero andar a fazer um post como o anterior que dava duas voltas ao sistema solar e voltava, quero desejar a todos um ano próspero e cheio de noticias fixes, como a vossa namorada sugerir um menage ou o sporting ganhar tudo que lhe puserem a frente em todos os desportos possíveis e também imaginários, e que não se matem e esfolem neste réveillon e acordem com uma rapariga ao lado, que só para piorar a situação tem cara da rotunda da fonte luminosa cá em Viseu, e que acima de tudo sejam felizes, e se não forem pelo menos façam tudo para o ser porque ficar sem fazer nada também não muda nada, e por fim dêem mais valor as pessoas que realmente querem o vosso bem e felicidade.

E assim me despeço deste ano com este post, tenham uma passagem de ano muito patusca. Special thanks ao meu irmão, estes headphones novos são totalmente brutais, vão-me ajudar a concentrar enquanto estiver a estudar.

Abraço portem-se bem