The path of self improvement

The past few months have been busy but with a new challenge in life of basically deciding what the hell I'm gonna do now.

I got to the point where I don't have any ends goals or larger than life objectives, I am just drifting day by day, trying to survive and I don't want that. Because of that I have been self improving these pasts months, mostly mentally and physically.

But despise this deadlock I feel like I freed from many chains that I was carrying from the past, I have been working releasing myself from them but some are just too heavy to let go that simply.

I spent a week vacation in the starting position where everything seems simpler and brighter but everyplace is just a reminder of the chains I am trying to be set free of.

I fear I might not see my home city the same way again, the burden of living here again might be too much for me to handle and the world is so vast that I feel like just going around it and see what this world has to offer out of the borders I have been in all my life, I gave myself a few months to get myself in a stable position and decide what to do or where to go next.

I already have good things going on in Lisbon but I am not connected to the city, I am connected to the people who live there, both from the past or those who I just met recently.

I still didn't forget my promise to make it all better, and that person knows what I am talking about but I also know that person can make it so I don't lay my eyes on her for the rest of my life and I understand that. I am just preparing myself for the possibility of someday having a chance to fulfill that promise.

Like a master said to me: the path of self improvement is like walking a foggy road and every step you take the fog dissipates further and when the fog disappears you see that the road never ends. That's the never ending path of self improvement.

And with that mindset I walk on, not knowing what awaits me in the turns of the road, but determined to face whatever comes head on with everything I got.

I will keep fighting

I will never give up on this fight.

This is a phrase to the person who thinks I am the weak person I used to be, the one who preferred to ignore the elephant in the room, this phrase is a promise!

Defying the state of things

I am tired of just accepting things as they are and suffer because of it, this weekend I found a photo in my home town that made my heart skip a beat and in that crushing feeling I realised something.

I can't be happy how things are, I know things will never be the same but things could be so much better now, not having someone that important in my life is crushing.

I know I screwed up, I wish I could go back in time and bitch slap myself before doing some things, but now I can only fight to prove I am not a boy anymore because living with fear until now brought me only misery, I will try to correct the wrongs I made and finally make up things to someone who didn't deserve what I have done to her.

Living with fear is not living, just surviving.

All in

I never wanted this to get to this point, if someone told me my life would be has it's right now I wouldn't believe it.

The regrets and barriers never been so high, so high I can't see how I can get over, it's too long to go around, it's to deep to go under, so I only have two choices right now. Be the boy who I was until now and run away from that barrier or be the man I know I can be and smash trough it.

That's why I train every single day now, I feel my body reaching it's limits but I have to keep going, I need to discipline myself to finally become a man.

I need to prepare myself for that moment, that second chance, that might never arrive and if never arrives it's just fate telling me that actions have consequences and that I need to be stronger to never loose it all again.

I have always been weak and just OK with it but no more! I will risk my body mentally and physically just to have the smallest of chances of having a second chance at life, correct the bad things I done and perhaps understand the right path other than this dark one I am walking.

I know the odds are greatly against me of even having the chance to correct my past mistakes but not fighting for it and ignoring it never got me nothing, only a bubble to make myself feel better and feed this illusion that everything is alright.

It's all or nothing right now and I don't have anything left to loose.

Crossroad

I feel like I am stuck in a crossroad, not knowing the best way to improve myself to be the person I know I can be.

Better, stronger and someone I can be happy with.

I can see the paths given to me clearly, now it's up to me to decide the best path.

Whatever happens I won't give up on my morals because nothing is worth losing yourself.

For now I want to follow the warrior path that my dojo offers and follow those principles and morals that speak so much to me.

I just feel sooner or later fate will test me and I want to be up to the challenge whatever it may be.

I don't want to loose something valuable again just because I was weak.