Dreams that cannot happen

Last night I had a scary dream about her, one where I saw her in lying down in the grass of a park and when she saw me just got up and walked away fast.

I tried to pursue her just to talk to her and when I got in front of her begging to talk she just said I have nothing to talk to you and got in a car and drove away leaving me in the middle of the road soul crushed.

I can't let happen in real life, I don't what I am gonna do if this happens but I must do something different. To stop fighting now would be one regret I couldn't shake off.

All in

I never wanted this to get to this point, if someone told me my life would be has it's right now I wouldn't believe it.

The regrets and barriers never been so high, so high I can't see how I can get over, it's too long to go around, it's to deep to go under, so I only have two choices right now. Be the boy who I was until now and run away from that barrier or be the man I know I can be and smash trough it.

That's why I train every single day now, I feel my body reaching it's limits but I have to keep going, I need to discipline myself to finally become a man.

I need to prepare myself for that moment, that second chance, that might never arrive and if never arrives it's just fate telling me that actions have consequences and that I need to be stronger to never loose it all again.

I have always been weak and just OK with it but no more! I will risk my body mentally and physically just to have the smallest of chances of having a second chance at life, correct the bad things I done and perhaps understand the right path other than this dark one I am walking.

I know the odds are greatly against me of even having the chance to correct my past mistakes but not fighting for it and ignoring it never got me nothing, only a bubble to make myself feel better and feed this illusion that everything is alright.

It's all or nothing right now and I don't have anything left to loose.

Recurring cicle

Why does my subconscious need to make things harder for me...

It isn't hard enough trying to forget her but when I think she is a little bit out of my mind my subconscious remembers to give me dreams of her, dreams of better times or of how things could be...

I only hope this stops, somedays I feel like my hearth is going to tear apart.